thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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