I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
