Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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