He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
