My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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