If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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