My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
