wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
