Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
