I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
