i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
