I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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