I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
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