$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
