420 ftw
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
