When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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