If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think I sprained my soul last night
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize
