Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
