Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Randomize
