My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Randomize
