ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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