My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Dear god my vagina.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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