I think my fart just growled at me.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
