By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
