I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
