When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
