you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
