i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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