Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
