U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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