Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Bring me that man meat
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
