my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
