There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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