she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
