I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
