i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
