Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
i need some magic done to my vagina
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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