My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
