Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
