You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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