I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
