wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm at about main and main street
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
