if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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