Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Randomize
