She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
