his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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