He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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