I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
