He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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