So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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