I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
the liver wants what the liver wants
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
