I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just forgot I was standing up.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
where are my eyebrows?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
