I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
