there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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