at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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