Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
