I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
