How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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