My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
In America we eat man semen.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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