I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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