I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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