I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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