i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
