Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
