he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
