sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
i've created a new STD.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
